Something I started writing some months ago. And unfortunately, still has a thread of truth running through it… if only just that catch-in-the-throat feeling that none of us seem prepared for, whenever it descends…
How can someone just drop out of your life in the blink of an eye? One day he’s so in love, the next he’s disappeared into that chasm of doubt… for the third time. Is there a family crisis? Is he shutting himself down again… running away… did he have a heart attack? The mind reels. Do I just pack up my heart and take down the pictures… again? Ah, yes, that roller coaster ride is taking off… again. All too familiar.
All this angst, from the not knowing.
Though he was pretty good at telling me before. Which leads me to believe there’s something else in the shadows. Or he just can’t face to pain he knows he’s about to inflict.
When does one trust her intuition, and when does one just stop expecting the worst; provided there’s even a difference between the two.
What do I do with all these plans, these dreams we talked about, were saving up for? I suppose I just fall asleep and hope for the best, tomorrow.
. . .
And now, some time later, I accept that he can’t look love in the face and welcome it. If someone doesn’t have the capacity to recognize, to accept what he needs when it’s offered, he really can’t blame the other person for not providing it.